Help! Descriptive

This one made my blood boil. Here’s the situation. Before I left for Oklahoma, I gave my kids a binder, in which they would keep letters I wrote them so should they feel sad or be missing me, they could have them to read. The kids were excited when the first letter arrived and they placed it in the binder.

I had sent two letters during the week before departing. They had arrived and were in the binder. It was Sunday and I had spent the day with my kids, saying goodbye. It was already a heart-wrenching time, but then Tutu, the step-mother of my ex called me on my cell. What she proceeded to tell me made me madder than I had ever been before. Their mother had not only read the letters while the kids had been away with me, but had read them to her!!!

Can you believe that? Their mother had told Tutu, “Well, I have to know what’s going on.”
Tutu was as upset by this as was I. When I told the kids what their mother had done, they stood with mouths open in disbelief. She had totally violated their privacy. What kind of mother does that? I figured she would read them—she’s too much of busy-body not to. But I think reading them to other people had been way out of line. And I’m sure that if she read them to Tutu, then she had read them to all her other friends as well.

My emotions had been exposed. Words of love I sent to my kids to help them during this painful separation had been put on public display. Knowing my ex, she probably had a good laugh at my expense too. Her actions sullied the letters, and my kids may no longer be able to get the same sense of peace and contentment from them as they once had.

But what is there to do about such things? If you are the child, what recourse do you have? About the only thing is to tell the adult who did this atrocity how you feel. They may feel regret, apologize for their action, and never do it again. Other than that, I’d say tell another adult, one with some authority like a councilor, teacher, priest, or therapist. They can help you deal with this as well as work through the hurtful emotions such thoughtless actions are sure to raise.

As the adult on the other side of the issue, I would advise Contempt of Court charges should a confrontation not persuade the offender to never do it again. Adults need to understand that children have feelings and that those feelings can be hurt.

Update (2 weeks later)—
It seems that the two letters mentioned above are the only letters of the 7 that I have thus far mailed to my kids that have reached them. About the time that the letters stopped arriving, the kids were “forbidden” to check the mail, only their mom and her boyfriend are allowed to check the mail anymore.

Are we still in America or what? Information censorship was something I attributed to the once powerful Soviet Union or maybe China. Definitely not in the America I love in which this sort of thing doesn’t happen. Those letters were between my children and me. Period! I’m wondering if this would be considered mail tampering, which I believe is a felony. I sent an email to my ex asking why my letters were not getting to my kids and also asking if the situation would continue. I’m curious to see if she will admit to it or not. If so, I may have grounds to pursue legal action against her. We’ll see.

One thing I plan to do is on Monday, go down to my local Post Office and see what they suggest. Maybe I can get the Postal worker there to sign a letter stating that a letter mailed on that Monday, addressed to my kids, actually went out. Then, if the kids don’t receive it, we know it was tampered with. May send three separate letters just so the court can’t say that a single letter was lost, as sometimes happens. But three? Doubtful. (I never did this, it was but a thought.)

My daughter and I worked out a way for her to receive my letters. She has a friend whose family does not know her mom or boyfriend. We’ve arranged for my letters to go to them, thus circumventing her mother. When they arrive, her friend would hand-deliver it to her. There’s more than one way to skin this particular rabbit.

Update (3 weeks later)-
The rest of my letters that had been sent to their mother's apartment continue to be read and exploited by their mother and boyfriend for their amusement. One had even been thrown away before the kids could even read it. Also, according to my ex, her lawyer has given her the go-ahead to continue intercepting them. My ex claims that my letters are “inappropriate” and that they encourage the kids to defy their authority and promote bad behavior.

If you read the previous section entitled “Time For a Swirly” you will remember how I told my kids to scream when mistreated. She is using that as an example as to how I am encouraging them to be bad. Of course, when she talks to others about this she leaves out the part where I told the kids to scream only when being “mistreated.”

She, her boyfriend and the three kids are now in family therapy, though they've only been living there for a month. My letters are to be given to the therapist so she can know how bad I am. Frankly, I doubt if she will see anything bad in them. It will be interesting to see what the therapist makes of them. (As it turned out, the therapist did not want to read them.)

I hope therapy helps them. I’m sure their mother and boyfriend are there to “fix” the kids’ behavior. I wonder what they will do should the therapist announce that it is their actions which are causing the kids to be miserable and unable to integrate into this new family environment. Either way, I just want my kids to be happy. Happy with me or them, just so long as they are happy.

Update (4 weeks later):
The secret is out. I knew it wouldn’t last and am surprised it had lasted as long as it had. Earlier this evening, I received a call from my 11 year old. She was at her friend’s house and had just been chewed up one side and down the other by the boyfriend about how I was sending letters to her friend’s house instead of to her mother’s.

His yelling was intense. He threatened to send her to Juvenile Hall and to have the police arrest me should I continue to send my letters to the friend's house. She was so terrified by his words that her voice trembled over the phone.

I explained to my daughter that I could send my letters to whoever I wished, that there was no law forbidding it. And as the recipient, she was in no way guilty for what I was doing. Apparently the boyfriend had been one step away from calling 911 about this and reporting me. I wonder what they would have told him?

911 Operator: “What is the nature of your emergency?”

The boyfriend: “My girlfriend’s ex is not sending his letters to our house but is instead sending them to a friend of his daughter.”

I don’t think they would see this as an emergency. Would they laugh at him? Probably not over the phone, but afterward when they gathered around the water cooler you could bet this one would be passed around.

Right now it’s about the time when my kids usually make their nightly call to me but the phone has yet to ring. I wonder if their mother will allow them to call me or will she attempt a complete boycott of all contact with me. Such an act would violate court orders allowing me “unhampered” contact with the kids.

My daughter was afraid to go home.

“Are you scared to go home?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she replied.

“Are you afraid that you will be hurt by the boyfriend when you go home?”

Again she replied with a tentative “Yes.”

“Then call 911. Tell them the situation and that you are afraid to go home, that you fear the boyfriend might hurt you and you want a police officer to escort you.”

I don’t yet know if she called or not. I hope she did. At least if she did, she could be assured of arriving home safely. Another benefit of calling and requesting a police escort would be that the attending officer would make a police report about the incident. A report would go a long way in creating a history that my kids are living in fear. Get enough of those on the books and maybe CPS will intervene.

It’s hard being in Oklahoma when the ones you love are going through a hard time halfway across the country. My heart really goes out to them. No child deserves to live in fear, and definitely should never be threatened with being sent to Juvenile Hall.

**My daughter hadn’t called for a police escort when she went home, but nothing happened when she did. I discovered this several days after the fact.**

Update: (A few days later)
I called the Snohomish County Sheriff to do a “wellness check.” A friend mentioned how the police would swing by and check on my daughter for me. I had no idea they would do that. If there is a concern of domestic violence, or if you lose contact with a loved one, an officer would be more than happy to check it out for you.

The Deputy Sheriff called and asked for my daughter. She told him that she was fine. The officer called me back and my mind was put at ease. Up until the moment of his call, visions of the worst sort had been traipsing across my mind.

Part of the problem was that since the kids went to live with their mother, she has had to cut back on expenses. I don’t think she realized just how much the day-to-day expenses for 3 children were going to be. Previously, she had had unlimited long distance on her cell phone, but now had been forced to cancel that service. She didn’t inform me of that so I believed she was intentionally keeping the kids from calling me due to the discovery I was sending my letters to my daughter’s friend’s house. One short call or email would have prevented much heartache.

As for the letters, my kids have been instructed to hand over the letters to the boyfriend as they arrive, after reading them of course. He keeps the letters and refuses to give them back. How could letters detailing my life in Oklahoma and the horses that live in the pasture next to the house, be in any way threatening to him or the kids’ attitude? Maybe he believes that by taking away everything that has to do with me will in some way make the kids happier to live with him; out of sight, out of mind as it were.

If that is his plan, I don’t think it is working too well. He, their mother, and the girls are in family therapy. They hope to get the therapist to figure out why my 11 year old daughter hasn’t come to grips with living with the boyfriend. I doubt if he can even comprehend that it may be due to the way he has treated her and her siblings since they came to live with him and their mother. How can a girl be happy when her brother is called an as*****, her sister is given Indian Burns, and she herself is yelled at nearly every day? If they want a happy home-life, then it is my belief that the change will need to come from him and their mother, and the way they treat the children. Unfortunately, the boyfriend will never see how he deals with the kids as wrong.

In therapy, my daughter tells me how he and her mother tell the therapist how it is my fault that she acts up and isn’t happy when at home. There had been times when tears welled in her eyes at the things they were saying. I tell her to speak up and tell the therapist everything that bothers her. She replies that doing so in front of the boyfriend and her mother is very hard. She fears that if she does, she will face punishment when they return home. Or if not punishment, then a “lecture” of how she shouldn’t lie in therapy that would include much yelling and derogatory language. Hopefully in the next session, she will have the courage to speak up. Silence will only allow the abuses to continue.